poetikassasins verse box(where ima post all my verses)

nobody wanted to listen and he was shuned wit scrutiny//
so he blunt and smoothily took arms and slew a ream of ghoulish dieties//
he moved fluid and seamlessly he stood strong and prestigiously//
doin wat couldn’t be done previously with bold and courageous deeds//
uplifted, gifted wit the tools to educate humanity, understand it he//
was raised in a society without truth or sobriety//
he was damaged see, genius in his own right, but what’s the probability//
that he’ll live to see a time when thru garbage he didn’t have to pillage b//
his own man and stand on his own two feet//
thru his silence bring on exuberant speech//
see speech is silver but silence is golden//
what a tangled web we weave when we’re lost in this spoken//
language truth leave us in heart break, anguish//
cuz homo-sapiens find comfort in the painted lies of the rich and famous//
it gets dangerous when we become luke warm and lethargic//
content with life as is and not strive to be the strongest, smartest//
we can b and im not talkin physical im talkin bout heart its//
a shame that for dead mans paper, we strive the hardest//
regardless

nice write man, liking the higher thoughts

i feel a bit of the lines are to cryptic to be official. they may be references to messages but the allusion is very hard to see.

your word choice is so strong at some parts but other parts i feel the piece would sound stronger if you switched up what was written a bit to aid the flow, not the message though,

for example

"so he blunt and smoothly took arms" - i don't think blunt is right here, bluntly is better but needs the line changed a bit to flow grammatically

"...didn’t have to pillage b//" - might be better: ...didn't have to pillage. Be//

i feel it was conveyed well. there also seems to be a bit of skittish thought. I'm not trying to insult the piece or writer just saying that the song seems to jump from telling a story of a man gifted and going to change with his ability (presumably his difference and possession of the "tools to educate" then it goes to talking of a probability that he will be there to breath glory into the people. I find no proper transition between [his praise and what seems like the help he will grant] and [his possibilites in the future should he have chance on his side]. the last seven lines are well written with intriguing vocabulary but i feel they are very ambiguous. if you added a bit to string together how the heart break we felt was caused by the famous it might strengthen the image. the last three lines, feeding off the strength of the previous two i feel can be reworded to help convey their message. a stronger closer can be made if the story was more clear and the flow would end with the reader/listener in a sort of introspective trance.

the write is great and i thoroughly enjoyed readnig it i hope that you appreciate the critiques :-) and will do me the same analysis when I post my work

thanks for postin!

oh i think youve got this mistaken. it was not meant to be a piece of poetry.

it was just a small freestyle verse and as im sure you know, when emceeing grammer can be slanted in many ways as long as it still makes sense.

what do you mean "too cryptic to be official"

also what do you mean by skittish?

it was a story kind of verse and skits are...stories....

lets see if i can simplify the verse

no one payed him any mind or cared what he had to say
so he did something about it
he showed everyone around him his true strength and intelligence
he was "uplifted, gifted wit the tools to educate humanity"

at this point it goes into some of his history... about how he was raised and then more into what he could do.

then it comes bacc into reality

"see speech is silver but silence is golden//
what a tangled web we weave when we’re lost in this spoken//
language truth leave us in heart break, anguish//
cuz homo-sapiens find comfort in the painted lies of the rich and famous//
it gets dangerous when we become luke warm and lethargic//
content with life as is and not strive to be the strongest, smartest//
we can b and im not talkin physical im talkin bout heart its//
a shame that for dead mans paper, we strive the hardest//"


but i can understand where you are coming from and where you got lost...it happened alot bacc in college in my english classes lol only 2 of my english proffessors got me and my philosophy proffesor got me haha....other than that everyone kinda looked at me strange lol

i do appreciate your comments tho =)

I don't mean to be rude, but since you know where i'm coming from and where i got lost I guess it's okay. Nothing is wrong with having slanted grammer in a throw down. When posting though, it's best to at least go over and analyze your words to better emphasize your statement/s.

poetikassasins wrote:also what do you mean by skittish?

it was a story kind of verse and skits are...stories....

also, I'm sorry your professors and peers didnt "get you" and I'm sorry that people looked at you strange. I have not judged you or treated you any diffrently as has obviously happened in your past. I'm also guessing basic vocabulary and diction skills were things that may have not worked well with you either :\ I will try my best to explain though:

Skittish is a word Middle English, perhaps of Scandinavian origin. IIn this instance it does not refer to "skits." It is an adjective whose definition is:
1. Moving quickly and lightly; lively.
2. Restlessly active or nervous; restive.
3. Undependably variable; mercurial or fickle.
4. Shy; bashful.
In refrence to your piece I have no need to restate my comments hopefully they have become more helpful with this new information, reread them if you would like :-).

all the best man

wow basic vocab and diction skills didnt work for me?

that i do take offense to.... i figured you were saying skittish in reference to skits because you had posted something about story verses... i had no idea u meant skittish in that sense... because honestly i dont see it....

honestly in something like a freestyle battle forum on the internet im not overly discomposed about things such as grammar....

please dont patronize me my friend... that may not have been your intention but your posts do come off rather ill-bred.

i can tell from the things that you have written that you are indeed a scholar of sorts so do not think that i am discrediting you in your intelligence in any way... nothing but respect to you, but when anyone implies that my literary skills are below par then that does bother me...

so please let's not be so nugatory that we are blinded by such small things like grammer on a small online forum...we are missing the big picture here...

again nothing but respect to you my friend


its all about the art...