aiiight...it was a solid attempt...so i'll give u a hi 5 for dat...lol
but it still needs work homie...like da 1st line...okay
stop drinking the purple you look like you hooked on the chronic
you were right you need to get hooked on phonics stop talking ebonics
^aiiight...(purple) isn't drank...itz smoked...but change dat and da line is fine
the follow thru line was okay...but maybe u should have broken em up alil bit...
kno what i mean...
it was more like u were jus crack~n on em...and not really focused on making it rhyme...
always think there are a million and ten things i can say about him
(him=whoever is against u)...
keep that thought n ur head...his clothes...his personal life....his friends...his face...(pimples...how big his nose is)....and dis is wayne we talk~n bout...he kisses Baby...so u can even pull da gay card out on him...and it'll hold weight...it was okay...i think ur last 1 was alil better tho...jus take ur time with whatever ur write~n...especially a diss...u wanna make it flawless...so even if he retaliates...urz was still 2 much 2 overcome...when u go at somebody...people look 4 a steady flow...good lines...and consitency...those 3 things decide whether u win or lose...u master them and even "if" u do lose...they will still say it was close as heck...and u still deserved 2 b respected...the other person jus did dat tiny bit extra...
matter fact i'ma revise it...and show u what i would do wit it...cuz me i've never been good at explaining and all dat jazz...and i learn hands on...
aiiight urz:
stop drinking the purple you look like you hooked on the chronic
you were right you need to get hooked on phonics stop talking ebonics
you talking about freaking every girl gotta get something for your hair it needs dinner
what about your gold teeth
but before that you had gaps in your teeth, your hair is bleached
eff young money they nothing but tricks
wezzey go back to your old job oh that was nothing
dropped outta school thats
probably why you had a child at 16
young money you smoke but you smell like the bud smoked you, fiend
chrous
I once knew a fella by Lil Wayne
dropped outta school could'nt hardly spell his name x2
**p.s.**
where u put da chorus...u need 2 seperate dat from ur verse...cuz itz sumth~n totally diff...cuz otherwise da person reading it is gonna think dat dat part is said as part of the verse...so either put it at da top wit a space between it and ur verse...or at da bottom wit a space between ur verse...aiiight
my version:
(chrous)2x
I once knew a fella
and they called em Lil Wayne
he dropped outta school
and could hardly spell his name
told em write it at da top of da page
and he would say
W~A...uhh..uhh
Y~N....
Wayne...
(let me explain)
stop smoking the purple/
is you hooked on the chronic?/
itz obvious he needs alil hooked on phonics/
face been restructered den demolished/
but his slang is really jus annoy~n please cut out the ebonics/
you talk about freaking every girl like u a winner/
better feed some grease 2 dat hair it needs dinner/
what about your gold teeth /
but before that you had gaps/in em
your hair is bleached/wit da naps n em
F young money they nothing but tricks
weezey go back to your old job
stacking Pringle's chips/
dropped outta school
and had a child at 16
you smoke but you smell like the bud smoked you,
u a fiend
(chorus repeats)
^dats jus what i woulda done wit dat...da ideas were there...jus sounded like u were angry...and talk~n...and not really rhyme~n it...i tried not 2 add 2 much...and jus remodel urz...mines not 2 great...jus trynna give u more ideas when u write...keep doin ya thing...da more u practice da better u get...but take ya time with it...and read each line over and over 2 make sure it all goes wit da rest of it...naaa mean...aiiight homie
ghosttt
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